There’s No Compromise for Monday: A Scathing Report

Join me for a Monday Rant

Mondays are despicable things. If the weekend is our reward for having worked hard all week, then Mondays are our punishment for having slacked off on our midterm papers Saturday afternoon so that we could drink beer and play Mario Party all day with like-minded friends (or internet buddies, whatever floats your boat).

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The point is, they tend to sneak up on us and mess with our schedules, deceptive things (though by that reasoning one could even say that we plan our schedules around our hectic mondays. But I digress).  After our so-called “day of rest” (or lack thereof: my day of rest involves getting up at 6 in the morning to work from 6:30 am to 5:30 pm. I still have no idea why I volunteered to take that shift. I no longer have a life on the weekend), Monday arrives in garish shades of horrible neon colors, caterwauling like a police siren, screaming “Hey guy! It’s me, Monday! I bet you missed me, huh? Didn’t you? Oh you didn’t? That’s not nice! I’m going to make your monday extra shitty now, you miserable <insert expletive here>!” Mondays are so sucky that I’m not even going to bother capitalizing the “m” because it doesn’t deserve to be grammatically correct.

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As a friend so succinctly pointed out, there is no compromise for monday: you just have to deal with them. I mean, hey, once in a blue moon, your monday will be freaking amazing. Maybe for that one day, everything will go right. Maybe you’ll get that promotion at work; maybe that cute guy you’ve been eyeing at your favorite cafe will finally talk to you (or at least make eye contact and smile). Maybe for one day, the world will forget that you’re secretly insane and unhappy and treat you like a goddamn Diva.

Oh wait, that’s Friday.

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In my not-so-humble opinion, the only thing that makes mondays bearable are copious quantities of caffeinated beverages. Perhaps I truly am addicted to caffeine (oh wait, those headdaches and general feelings of unpleasant-ness and discomfort that I typically associate with my not-consuming caffeine are symptoms of withdrawal? Who knew?) but if anything can get me through a day, it’s a double-shot allongé with plenty of cold milk (because why drink a latte or cafe au lait when you have espresso-flavored milk with the same amount of caffeine, twice the delicious taste, and no burnt-tongue sensation?).

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Since school ended, I have started to work earlier on mondays which means still getting up at 8, except rather than going to an irritating english conference group at 9:15 on monday taught by an even more irritating TA who clearly doesn’t get paid enough to do what he does and where my friend and I simply troll our way through the literature of the Restoration up to the Victorian era, now I’m getting ready to work an 8 hour shift of serving coffee and sandwiches to unappreciative customers who don’t even tip well (the majority of our tips come from a minority of our customers. Such is life, I suppose). Luckily for me, however, I serve coffee and sandwiches to make my living as a poor student. This means I get all the free coffee I could ever desire. I mean, sure, I don’t work in a Second Cup or Starbucks (but I found a bottle of Hazelnut syrup in our cabinet the other day…. Double-shot hazelnut lattes, here I come!) but Starbucks is disgusting and apparently you only get one free drink at Second Cup per shift anyway. Lame.

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