Dear Concordia: You’re Kidding, Right?

“This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but with–“

a lack of Proper English Grammar.

Kill me.
Kill me.

 

The end is nigh. I can feel it in my bones. I know it in my very soul. There can be no doubt the apocalypse is at hand when I am forced to take an introductory course on English grammar (or, as I like to call it, English for Immigrants). No, I am not kidding though I dearly wish I was.

For anyone who knows anything about me, you’ll know that I am acutely aware of grammar’s infinite quirks. I subconsciously edit everything as I read and being forced to take an introductory level course in English Grammar is nothing short of insulting.

Allow me to be clear: there is absolutely and unambiguously nothing interesting about English grammar. Who cares whether or not an adjective is gradable? Why do I need to know that I just wrote an adjectival prepositional phrase? (I haven’t but that’s beside the point). The only possible outcome of this class is that I will become an even greater Grammar Nazi I already am, which could be potentially problematic as I already read with a grammatically critical eye. If there is a comma in the wrong place, a comma splice, or a goddamn fragmented sentence, I will flip all of my shits.

[Also, my grammar package (soft cover workbook and 50 page textbook) cost over 70$?? Highway robbery, I tell you!]

I’m not going to lie, Grammar is a necessary evil. Sure, learning how to use commas is a pain in the ass but they’re a little bit critical and it’s kind of important to make sure that you write complete sentences (subject, verb, complement) though fragments often sound good to the ear and blah di blah. However, (and did you know you’re not actually supposed to start a sentence with “however”), one would assume that all this crap would be taught at the Secondary or even Collegiate level.

Not in University (BEEP BEEP: WARNING, FRAGMENT DETECTED)

In order to rectify this egregious oversight in my post-secondary education, I went straight to whomsoever could acquiesce to my request for possibility of exemption. You know, take a test, speak with eloquence, show off my writing abilities, whatever. The response?

“Um, no you have to take it. It’s a required course. Just get an A in it and focus on your other classes.”

giphy (1)
Plebeians. So uncouth and useless.

So, with that rather brusque brush off, I shall trudge to class every Monday night with a scowl on my lips and a curse in my heart. Fuck you very much, Concordia, for wasting my time.

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