Hey Baby, What’s Your Sign: The Worst Pick Up Lines Possible

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Montreal is no stranger to curious men (and women) trying to pick up other men (and women) (for anyone who’s ever read MTLBlog, they know that Montreal is clearly a sex-crazed and erotically driven city). Given the nature of bar hopping, clubbing, and other night-time exploits, it can be difficult to meet interesting and like-minded people who won’t scare you off  with their uncultured sporting references (if you’re a pretentious neo-hipster like me) or bad acne. Amidst the cesspool of weekend pub crawlers and night-club goers, one can find men who think getting into a woman’s pants is as simple as “hey baby, what’s your sign?”. These cheesy pick up lines are typically attributed to people who are either obnoxiously over-confident or creatively challenged (or both). Today, however, the “art” of picking up women (nothing short of manipulation and pseudoscience) is associated with men who “study” the social patterns of women and how they react to certain behaviours.

In short, pick up artists are creepy men who objectify women. Which is their prerogative. “Do you, guy” as The Boyfriend says. Having had my own run ins with men who believe they are the messiah of the art of picking up women, I can only say that I find the whole culture kind of ridiculous.

Without further ado, here are 10 Pick Up artists you should only hope to meet (as helpfully compiled by myself and The Boyfriend) in order to laugh heartily and from the belly (this article is also to show you that I finally learned how to use memes, so enjoy!).

1. The Flirtus-Interruptus

“Roses are Red, Violets are Blue- Can I have your number?”

Other interruptions include, but are not limited to: let’s bang/fuck/get our freak on, Wan Sum Fuk?

wansumfuk
Sensual cat is sensual
2. The Curious George (or Gregarious Ignoramus)

“Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Because your face is fucked up.”

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3. The Verbally-Impaired

“I wanna put my thingy into your thingy.”

We are NOT amused.
We are NOT amused.
4. The Product Placement Guru

“Is your last name Gillette? Because you’re the best a man can get.”

Thank you, AskMen, for pointing out that, unless you’re getting paid to advertise, coming on to women as a walking, talking marketing scheme is just plain tacky.

UUUUGGGHHHHH STAWWWP -_-
UUUUGGGHHHHH STAWWWP -_-
5. Dr. Phil

“I’ve heard really attractive people tend to have low self esteem. Will that make it easier for me to get into your pants?”

shut up
Nobody asked you, so shut your cake hole.
 6. The Self Deprecator

“I bet you 20$ you’ll turn me down.”

Self deprecating people suck. Point final.

No shit, Sherlock....*quiet giggles*
No shit, Sherlock….*quiet giggles*
 7. The Renaissance Man
<insert generic Shakespeare love quote intended to be a pick up line>
No. And think very carefully about the context of each line in any “Top 10 Romantic Shakespeare Quotes”. Chances are it’s less attractive than it seems.
Was that...Shakespeare? *suspicious*
…..Wot did ye say to me?
8. The Caveman

*picks up woman and runs off*

Points for creativity, negative points for kidnapping.
Points for creativity, negative points for kidnapping.
9. The Horny Homunculus

<insert any variation of the phrase “size doesn’t matter”>

No.
Nerp.
10. Anybody whom you feel is disrespecting you in any way possible when you just want to be left to do whatever you gotta do in PEACE.
You tell 'em.
You tell ’em.
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