Outlander, The Library, and Poop Piles: Gluten Free Nutella Rice Monsters

IMG_0818TL;DR–>Scroll down to ignore my tangent and just get the recipe. 

These treats were perfect for munching as I lounged about on Cloud 9. I had transcended whatever happiness that could be unearthed in the mundane recesses of earth and found myself floating in bliss with my army of nutella monsters and new copy of a rather popular novel that I am not ashamed to call a favourite.

It was a lucky find, really. My local library isn’t terrible—they have most of the recently released constructions of slim dimpled women wielding guns and kicking ass amidst explosions they call Hollywood Blockbusters (I admit, I haven’t been to the cinema in a long time. Perhaps things have changed, but realistically, and in my experience limited as it may be, Buffy’s bad-assery is no match for an opponent twice her size). Moreover, the library generally has a copy or two of the books known to be de rigueur. One would think, then, that THIS is the library we have all been waiting for! A testament to libraries around the world! Greater than the library at Alexandria! Greater than—

Perhaps I shouldn’t get ahead of myself.

I take issue with my library when I cannot get my hands on the items I desire and this is usually due to the item having been taken out by some fetid pond scum who refuses to bring the article in question back on time and they persist in this delinquent behaviour because the library refuses to be more stringent in their meting out of punishments. The reprimand for a late article is a fine of 10 cents.

Per day.

How nauseatingly awful. My wallet aches with the strain.

I once had to wait an extra two months longer than necessary to get my hands on a copy of Inheritance (once Christopher Paolini had finally decided that maybe it was time to get back to writing his Inheritance Cycle, I mean after all it had only been THREE YEARS since the last book) due to people refusing to hand the book back on time. Flat out refusing. As in “No, I am going to keep this book longer than necessary for no apparent reason at all to my fellow readers but it’s really because I need to scour it for the little details that make my life complete because I need to put together a complete world of Eragon with maps and mythos and everything, kind of like that guy who knows more about the world of Westeros that its author, George R R Martin. And fuck Martin anyway because –”

Hush inner rant. This is not what we are here for. I just wanted my damn book. And the worst part is that I had seen the book in the bookstore and, like more terrible people in the world, I decided to hell with buying books, I’ll just sit in a quiet corner not being a nuisance to anyone and I’ll read as much as I can before someone figures out what I’m doing and they kick me out. Which did eventually happen. So I went to the library. But they didn’t have it yet. So I went back four months later. They still didn’t have it.
So I waited a year because why buy a book when I can borrow it from the library and return it five days after the due date? And, to my credit, my wait was not entirely in vain; at least I was able to reread the rest of the series.

Anyway, my problem with books and bookstores these days is they’re so damn expensive. Why would I want to spend 45$ on two short stories by Brandon Sanderson? Granted, he is a god and his novella is limited edition but fifty bucks? Really? I’ve done my share of strolling through bookstores and I find that I never buy anything unless it’s a gift or gift card for someone else. I don’t like buying books with my own money. So it was just my luck as I was scouring the one and two-dollar books section at my library that I came across this gem:

*incoherent mumbles*
*incoherent mumbles*

For one dollar. No taxes.

Bitches.

Alright. To business. Apologies for the intense tangent.

There is something deliciously charming about the simplicity of rice crispy squares. Rice Krispies, Marshmallows, Butter, done. Or, if you’re feeling adventurous, a healthy dose of Nutella never hurts. People even go all out and add weird ingredients like cocoa, candy, chocolate chips, and other strange stuff. Personally, I am a big fan of simple consistencies and hate hate HATE munching on something chewy only to chomp down and break my teeth on a piece of hardened chocolate.

So, here’s what you need for Nutella Rice Krispy Monsters

I used gluten free Rice Krispies because people *coughGirlscough* are picky and gluten free and raw vegan and stuff. Not that this recipe is raw vegan. Anyway, moving on.
You also need a copy of Outlander. It’s mandatory.

I used gluten free Rice Krispies because I was catering to the needs of a group of choir chicks who all have various dietary needs/restrictions/hipster beliefs. You can also use kosher marshmallows but fuck that because normal marshmallows are the best.

First things first, use a non-stick cooking pot. You do NOT want to be scrubbing hardened marshmallow out of a pot. Trust me. Next, spray a LARGE metal pot with cooking spray. This is important because no matter how much butter you use, the bottom inch of rice krispy stuff in the bowl when you mix it is going to stick to the bowl and it’s going to be awful but nowhere near as awful as pulling teeth because that’s what it’s like IF YOU DON’T GREASE YOUR BOWL.

JUST GREASE IT.
JUST GREASE IT.

Measure 6 cups of rice krispies and pour them into the bowl. Next, melt the butter on medium/low heat in a decent sized pot.

Like this:

IMG_0812

NOT LIKE THIS:

This is how you burn butter and end up with slightly more delicious tasting rice krispy squares.
This is how you burn butter and end up with slightly more delicious tasting rice krispy squares like I did.

Bear in mind that the marshmallows are going to shrink dramatically, however. Once the butter has melted, add at least half the bag of marshmallows. I used itty bitty ones because they melt faster and are so damn cute but the big ones work just as well. IMG_0814 Next, throw in as much Nutella as you deem necessary. I used an entire container.

It really wasn't that much :P
It really wasn’t that much 😛

Just glomp it right in and start stirring.

IMG_0815
Mmmmmmm……appetizing…

Once that’s all done and melted, pour it into the rice krispies you measured ten minutes earlier and stir like a maniac because they get hard and impossible to stir. At this point, you can butter up your hands and dive in but I would avoid that for a couple minutes because the mixture is freaking HOT. So be careful y’all.

IMG_0816
Om nom nom nom….

Finally, take handfuls of the mixture and shape them into little blob forms (I chose the slightly pointed blob in order to make it seem as though my monsters were going to have heads but unfortunately they just ended up looking like small piles of poop. Which is okay. It makes them more exciting to eat I find).

hehehehe...
hehehehe…

You don’t really have to cool these but if you’re canadian or north-eastern American, you can totally just leave them under your barbeque for a few minutes because yes, it is that time of year and it is that cold out. Once they’ve cooled a bit, grab your red decorating gel and give these suckers a couple of eyes for good measure.

Teehee XD
Teehee XD

So, there you have it: a perfect recipe for little piles of poop with eyes that taste suspiciously delicious.

 

 

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