The Coffee House Quandary: Why Coffee Franchises Suck

Franchise: noun. ˈfranˌCHīz

“An authorization granted by a government or company to an individual or group enabling them to carry out specified commercial activities.”
Use it in a sentence: “I wasn’t ballsy enough to open my own coffee shop so instead I piggybacked off of a corporation and bought my own and tried to make it mine but it really just makes me look like a sellout. This is my franchise”

I attempted to write a rant against Starfucks the other day, but for some reason the force was not with me and I wrote no more than two badly-strung together sentences before giving up, not to mention I realized that no one wants to read a 1000 word rant and treatise against the scourge of Starbucks, no matter how fabulously wordy my sentences can get.

So, instead, I offer a plethora of franchised cafes and eateries who dare to call themselves Houses of Coffee that you should never walk into again. Allow me to begin with…

1. Presse Cafe

More like "ASS-e CAFE" hur hur hur...
More like “ASS-e CAFE”
hur hur hur…

Presse cafe is known for its monochromatic decor and exclusively student and chain-smoking-male-in-his-thirties-with-his-friends clientele. Presse Cafe is also notorious for being unable to maintain their clientele and are often the victims of Eviction Notices.  The one time I found myself there, I ordered a Mochaccino and the guy gave me a latte. When I went back to politely tell him he had given me the wrong drink, he gave me a deer-in-headlights stare, looked at the coffee, glanced at his boss, shrugged, and POURED SOME CHOCOLATE SAUCE IN IT.

giant-squid-of-anger

You do not, I repeat, DO NOT simply pour chocolate sauce from a squeeze bottle into an already made latte and hand it back to a paying customer. No, you throw it out and make them a new one! You made a mistake, person who dares call themselves a Barista. You fix it. You don’t try and cleverly patch up your error by mere flavoring, you do the whole enchilada all over again because, guess what?! You fucked up!

Gaahhhhhhhhhhhh
Gaahhhhhhhhhhhh

Also the chocolate sauce was actually Nesquick. I think I’m going to go puke. Someone get me a Full Fat Mocha from Cafe Creme, STAT. Thank god they know what they’re doing.

2. Tim Hortons/Dunkin Donuts (same thing really)

More like... "This Sucks-Tons"!! DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE? HAHAHAHAH
More like… “This Sucks-Tons”!!
DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE? HAHAHAHAH

These one stop shops are little more than glorified donut stands that happen to sling swill-flavored piss water to the uninformed unwashed masses looking for an early morning caffeine fix. They are cleverly designed to make you forget that you are filling your arteries with delicious saturated fat which is going to make you sleepy and lethargic and instead make you think that Timmy’s brand new and exciting Torrefaction Fonce is the latest and greatest in coffee Nirvana.

Which is funny since dark roast coffee actually contains less caffeine than lighter roast.

I love this GIF.

3. Starfucksdownload

Don’t get me started.

4. Any breakfast joint

More like..."Allo Mon Poo-poo!" I chose allo mon coco because they have the best home fries north of the border.
More like…”Allo Mon Poo-poo!”
I chose allo mon coco because they have the best home fries north of the border.

Let’s be honest, you’re not there for the coffee, you’re there for the delicious salty fatty goodness of homefries, buttered brown toast, and bacon. So maybe grease spoon diners and even more “urban” breakfast joints can afford to skimp on the coffee and buy the cheapest crap they can get their hands on. After all, it’s usually complimentary. And if it isn’t, and you’re paying an extra dollar for unlimited coffee, that’s not so bad either. Though you may want to let your waitress know that you ran out of 2% Dairy Milkers about halfway through your french toast. Face it, it’s the only way you’re going to get through your fourth cup of chicory flavored scalded water.

Look at the terrifying mug. LOOK AT IT.  "Drink meeeeee," it breathes in a voice unexpectedly high and reedy. "Drink. Meeeeeee."
Look at the terrifying mug. LOOK AT IT.
“Drink meeeeee,” it breathes in a voice unexpectedly high and reedy. “Drink. Meeeeeee.”

But the one chain-cafe you’re allowed to frequent for coffee…

5. McDonald’s

Surprise!
Surprise!

Believe it or not, McDonald’s McCafe has amazing coffee. The company that brought you the individual apple pie ™, the McRib ™, and the “double whopping McDouble triple patty virgin super lettuce and tomato McGangbang” (of course it’s real!) also dabbles in coffee-making and, honestly, they are not to be scoffed at. Their espresso is sweet, the milk at a perfect temperature, and their filtered coffee doesn’t always taste like sewer swill. Except for their free coffee. That’s always gross.

Though you may want to avoid having a pie with your cappuccino.

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