Things I Learned after One Week in Florida

Where the fruit is sweeter and the sun burns hotter.
Where the fruit is sweeter and the sun burns hotter.

 

  1. The discovery of a coconut on the ground is not exciting and not worthy of a conversation debating the prowess of African vs. European swallows.
  2. Don’t ever assume you’ll get used to the heat and humidity. Trust me, you won’t.
  3. Thousands of people own multi-million dollar homes, and no one lives in them 8 months of the year.
  4. Expect terrible service in restaurants. I cannot stress this enough.
  5. People live by going from one air-conditioned building to another and then to their air-conditioned cars that they have parked inside indoor parking lots.
  6. Florida in the summer is a wonderful place…if you prefer breathing your water to drinking it.

    18. Flash floods are the norm in the summertime.
    18. Flash floods are the norm in the summertime.
  7. Florida is sprawling and huge.
  8. It’s cute that you think you won’t need sunscreen.
  9. There are more than jellyfish in the water. Beware of minuscule fireworms that like to prey on jaded and cynical bloggers.
  10. Order the seafood when you go out to eat. It’s always in season.
  11. Ice cream is always an acceptable alternative to ice water.
  12. Miami is literally nothing but one enormous hotel after another.

    Hotel 1, hotel 2, hotel 3....
    Hotel 1, hotel 2, hotel 3…. I don’t understand why these photos are suddenly so low-resolution.
  13. You need to try key lime pie at least once. They’re called “key limes” for a reason.
  14. Iguanas are the pigeons and squirrels of Florida. Yes, they crap everywhere.
  15. Air conditioning is taken for granted.
  16. The bathroom at Macy’s is beautiful…
  17. But the toilet paper everywhere is flimsy as fuck.
  18. Everything in Florida is bigger: the beaches, the boats, the portions, the people…
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