Letters to My Classmates, Whom I Hate

Universities were once considered places of higher learning. Unfortunately, it would appear that we have dispensed with proper vocabulary and language style in favor of incredibly specialized programming:

You want to study Bibliotics? Go right ahead. Maybe you want to study the effects a zero-gravity environment will have on your erection? Go for it! You want to learn how to speak english properly? Why not grab yourself a copy of this and then go fuck yourself (micro-gravity erections notwithstanding and a big thank you to That Guy I Asked on Facebook).

Arisfacepalmtotle and Plato would be rolling over in their graves laughing hysterically if they could hear some of the garbage spewed from the mouths of my fellow students.

These are some of my favorite moments.



May 30th: I Discover that George Brown makes for excellent poke-fun-at-my-classmates-fodder

Girl 1: I’m like, so Confucius…
Girl 2: You’re like confuzzled…
Girl 1: No, like the religion?
Girl 3: So like, I’m obsessed with, like, the renaissance? Every time I go to Casa Loma I’m like “I want all the furniture”

Ladies, please refrain from procreating.


A Frazzled Quasi-Academic

Feb 26th: Dear Girl Behind Me,

This is a S/O to the girl who told me and The Boyfriend to “Get a Room” the other day while standing outside in the cold waiting for the bus.

Excuse us for trying to keep warm.

We had a room.

It was invisible.

You pervert.

I have no regrets flipping you off in public.

Nov 25th: Dear People Behind Me,

The next one of you to say “I didn’t see nothin’” gets their tongue forcibly removed from their cavernous cake holes.

Use it properly or lose it, dipshits.

P.S: PSYCH! A double negative makes a positive.

Nov 20th: Dear Girl Behind Me,

It’s pronounced “Ee-Rahn”.

Say “Eye-Ran” one more time, you goddamn Socialist.

I dare you.

Oct 16: To that annoying woman in my Canadian History class, 

I’ve spoken to you once, I believe. You seem like a nice person. A little annoyingly alternative and against the grain for seemingly no reason, but we were able to have a pretty normal conversation. I have a question for you now:

Why do you keep raising your hand in class when you have nothing interesting to say?

Look, I understand that Canadian history is beyond boring but good god woman, just keep your goddamn hand on the desk. I can’t stand hearing you go ‘ah..um..okay, well…um…” for three minutes before you actually start using your words. I for one actually enjoy listening to the prof rant about the economic history of the lumber trade and I don’t need  you to put in your two cents that Cedar was also traded because WHO CARES Everyone knows that pine was a hot commodity so just leave it at that! You don’t need to take five minutes of class time to explain that cedar was a luxury item when, chances are, it’s not even going to be on the test! And that debate we had on the first day of class? Eurocentricity vs Native-centric way of teaching? You said something so redundant I haven’t stopped making fun of you in my head since. Every time you raise your hand I want to pull my hair out.

Please, just stop beginning your sentences with an endless supply of “ums”. That’s all I ask.

Sincerely- wait, no no, put your hand down,

Three rows behind and seven seats to the left




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